Well this should be easy right? So many opportunities to get pregnant. Our honeymoon, after a beautiful dinner out, a random sunday afternoon spent in bed. I was 34 when we married. This should be easy. After our wedding, a few folks asked when we would start planning for a family. If they wanted to know the truth, we had already started trying. Not seriously but still trying. I think of one of my best friends who found out she was pregnant the day before her wedding. Not ideal, but in the big whole scheme of things, who cares.
At first I didn't care so much. It will happen, I told myself. This is what I am meant for, to be a mum, to be a partner in parenthood with my other half, because he also wants it so much. It will happen.
I sit here after almost 2 years later, 24 unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy.
I tried most things. Acupuncture, naturopathy with special teas to regulate cycles and help with fertility. I tried vitamins and yoga, swimming and meditation. I tried positive affirmations, prayer, worrying, tears and in short begging. Still nothing.
I decided in the summer to ask for help. Little did I know I would be thrown into a world of fertility doctors, clinics, and cycle monitoring.
So here I sit, 2 months into my fertility treatments. Waiting. Today I had a pregnancy test at 10AM. Then I waited, until 1PM when they called, a soft voice on the other end of the phone. "Hello, this is the fertility clinic calling with the results of your blood work today". "Yes," I await patiently not getting my hopes up again. "Unfortunately the results were negative, you are not pregnant, please stop taking the drugs we prescribed you and call us when you get your period". I respond with "okay thank you". My voice doesn't crack this time. I went through this last month, where I proceeded to buy a bottle of wine, open it, drink it all and watch sad movies on Netflix and cry my eyes out. I wasn't going to succumb to it again. But I did buy a bottle of wine.
So I will enter into another month of cycle monitoring, clinic visits and feeling horrible yet hopeful all at the same time.
Once you enter into the world of infertility treatments and clinic visits, you can't go back. It's something you don't forget. It's a world that ticks away every single day of the week and month for every woman and couple going through it. It's tough, not for the faint of heart and yet hopeful all at the same time. It reminds me in a strange way of the intensive care unit at the hospital when my mum was sick. No matter what time of day or night, there will be someone there.
In this blog…I will delve into this world in my own experience and how it affects my husband and I in our journey to have a family of our own.
As for tonight, I will finish my wine and be thankful that I don't have to put a progesterone suppository in tonight. I will hope for the best and try not to worry to much.
xxK
